Thoughts for today

Today I am feeling frustrated.  As I put my children down for their nap, I did a little soul searching to try and figure out why.  My boys weren't bad today.  They didn't do anything wrong.  But they needed me more today than usual.  They need my constant attention.

Here's what I discovered about myself today...

I am selfish.

I get frustrated when the house is cluttered and I can't walk anywhere without having to dodge a toy car, or step on a crayon.  I get frustrated when I can't get my chores done on my time schedule.  I get frustrated when my answer isn't good enough and then the fight of the wills begins.

And that's when I feel God drawing me close and whispering in my ear, "It's ok.  You know how S was just throwing that fit?  Well my dear, this is a big girl fit.  Let it go."

Being a mom is like being continual poured out for others; letting myself go for the benefit of a handful of little people, in hopes that they will see the love of God in me.  I am the first sight of Jesus for my kids.  They can be royally screwed up and have a skewed view of Jesus because of a mother's (or father's) actions.  I know I am not perfect.  I know I will screw up.  But I also know that the Person who is my guide won't screw up.  He will always be there for my children, even when I am not.  

So my most important task becomes not the dishes, laundry, or cleaning.  It becomes making sure I am spending time with my Father.  It's Him I must emulate.  

That begs the question, what did Jesus do?  He gave up everything, including a home, free time, sleep, and His life... for me and for you.  Am I willing to do that for my children?  Yes, the laundry needs to get done, the dishes need to be washed, and meals need to be fixed.  But where is my priority?  Is it on the tasks or is it on the greater mission?

I sometimes forget that these crazy toddlers will one day be men... a day that will be here before I am ready for it.  And until that day comes, I need to relax and enjoy being everything for my little guys.

Yes... it's hard.  And sometimes I cry because I feel like all of me has been used up by others, and yet they are still demanding more... sometimes even before lunchtime.  But that's when I must turn to my source of strength and be filled up again, only to be emptied again.  

Paul said in Philippians 2:

Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, 'children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.'  Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life.  And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain.  But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you." (vs. 14-17)

So today I rejoice.  I am glad to have the privilege of emptying myself because, you know what?  That means that I can be filled with better stuff than myself, if I go to the True Source for my fulfillment.  I can be filled with the love and strength of Jesus.  And because I am completely emptied of self, hopefully the love of the Father will spill out onto my children.

My goals for today:

Remember that my children are children.  Let go of the tasks and embrace the greater good, which is pointing my kids to the love of the Lord and showing them that life isn't about ourselves.  It's about loving God and loving others.

If I have those goals in my mind, then the dishes becomes second to the teachable moment about sharing with your brother.  The laundry becomes second to explaining why we need to obey.  The tasks come second.  The people come first... always.