This picture is a very good representation of my life right now… Z pretty much always on my hip, and S & E being crazy, warrior boys. My life is busy. And loud. Very loud. And is full of wrestling and jumping on each other's heads. Sometimes (read three days ago), I feel that I can't do it. That the Crazy Wave is going to sweep me off my feet and I'm going to drown in chores, and noise, and toys, and tantrums, and lack of sleep, and…. And then I remember the love I have for my children and I take a deep breath, hug my understanding and supportive husband, and keep going.
Being a mom is the hardest thing I've ever done.
And the physical taxations aren't even the hardest part. The hardest part is living with this constant dichotomy inside my soul… Loving these humans so much that I'd die for them, and yet sometimes being so annoyed that I have to refrain from running outside, or being so tired I don't get the baby who is crying (again) at 1am. The tug-of-war in my soul is so… odd. I don't even know how else to describe it. It's almost an oxymoron, like this dichotomy shouldn't exist. But it does. And even though I get frustrated, that doesn't mean I love them any less. Even though I need a break every once in a while, it doesn't mean I love them any less. Even though I have to physically yell because they can't hear me above their shenanigans, it doesn't mean I love them any less.
Just like a real tug-of-war, at times I lean towards the side of annoyance. Other times the side of patience and mercy and grace. But I don't want to be annoyed or frustrated all the time. I don't want to LIVE there, in that camp. I want my home camp to be in Grace, Patience, and Love. I want to make my tent on that side of this struggle. And the only way to do that is through Jesus.
I've been reading a really good book, given to me by my mother-in-law (thanks Lynn!). It's called Treasuring Christ When Your Hands are Full (by Gloria Furman). It has rejuvenated my soul and changed the way I look at my kids. It has reminded me that I have received the gift of mercy and love and compassion from my Savior, even though I'm a cranky mess or frustrated or annoyed. It's that TRUTH that I cling to during the annoying times. Not my feelings of being overwhelmed. Not the latest sleeping technique that helped my friend's baby sleep through the night. Not the appropriate way to discipline your kids. It's in the TRUTH that God loves me, and saved me from the sin that wages this war in my soul. And because I have received this life giving grace, I can let it overflow onto my children.
Here's a quote I found particularly encouraging:
Motherhood is physically exhausting, emotionally draining work. Where can a mother find the strength she needs to serve her family? From God, who is "able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work" (2 Cor. 9:8). Even when our back gives out and our body is tired, God can strengthen mothers "with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy" (Col. 1:11). Thanksgiving is the proper response to God as he extends to us all the inheritance of grace we have in Christ (Col. 1:12).
So while you are breathless from the hard work, you are breathing -- a cause for praise! When you feel desperate for relief, it's a reminder that you are desperate for God's grace. Thank the Lord for the gift of feeling your need for him. Do you know where you are right now? You may be reading this book while sitting in your Honda Odyssey as you wait to pick up your kids from school. But do you know where you are? Have you been raise with Christ? You are in Christ, seated in the heavenly places with him. Then set your mind on the things that are above, where Christ is (Col. 3:2). Do you belong to him who has been raised from the dead? Bear fruit for God (Rom. 7:4). When your day is too much for you to handle and things feel like they're spinning out of control, take a deep breath and remind yourself: "Our God is a God of salvation, and to God, the Lord, belong deliverances from death" (Ps. 68:20). There are blood-bought promises that are yours to help you in these particular moments. Every day that the sun rises and sets can serve as a reminder to us that a day is coming when God's will is done on earth as it is in heaven. In all these ways and many more, mothers can receive God's kingdom even in the midst of their busy lives.
So Moms, be encouraged. Your struggle is not unique. We all struggle. We all make the wrong decision. And we all need God's grace. But find that life-giving grace, and make your tent there. Love God above all else. And serve your family with a humble and generous spirit. Because that's what Jesus did for us.
Happy Mother's Day.
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